Did i get lost while I was gone? I've travelled space away for far to long.
-> yellowcard - space travel
However i think this basically sums me up at the moment. If we see love s space ( you know knocks you off your feet, has no laws limits or boundarys) well basically i think i've been in to many relationships. I seem to hope from one to the other, never taking time to learn how to live life away and alone of other people. I need to get used to the fact that when i want a hug sometimes my bear will be my only option. I basically need to get used to living life on my own cause even when i'm out of relationships i rely to much on seeing friends for me to say that i am ever truly alone. Its weird
I guess i just need to grow up and become more independant ...
Time to learn how
Monday, 6 December 2010
Saturday, 25 September 2010
I'm feeling lonely, everyone moving on with there lives, getting ready for uni, preparing themselfs for life and i;m just sitting here watching it all go by. I want to put the brakes on life, to say let me have a couple more years of being a child. Instead i'm slowing down and everyone staying the same. I feel like i'm being life behind just cause i don't want to go to uni.
Plus i know it sounds mental, and even though we've broken up for a while, i think today when i woke up i just felt more alone, i mean even though we are apart, i think a part of us still liked each other, I mean we didn't break up cause we didn't like each other, it just wasn't working. but today, today i felt the love just kinda go. Its hard to explain but image your on a train, its really crowded and people are leaning in against you. These are the people that love you, like friendship love and family love and even love love . Well i feel like one of these people has moved away leaving a part of my body cold and wanting to be loved again just to feel the warm feeling i had.
I don't no,
pshh
Plus i know it sounds mental, and even though we've broken up for a while, i think today when i woke up i just felt more alone, i mean even though we are apart, i think a part of us still liked each other, I mean we didn't break up cause we didn't like each other, it just wasn't working. but today, today i felt the love just kinda go. Its hard to explain but image your on a train, its really crowded and people are leaning in against you. These are the people that love you, like friendship love and family love and even love love . Well i feel like one of these people has moved away leaving a part of my body cold and wanting to be loved again just to feel the warm feeling i had.
I don't no,
pshh
Thursday, 2 September 2010
....
Well i just can't hear the music anymore
its not this pleasant summer song
it more this quite serendipity
that i hear after you are gone
and it scares me when you say
that you still hear the music play
be cause i can't cope
with this one note summer song
that i feels been playing a little to long
its not this pleasant summer song
it more this quite serendipity
that i hear after you are gone
and it scares me when you say
that you still hear the music play
be cause i can't cope
with this one note summer song
that i feels been playing a little to long
Wednesday, 1 September 2010
late night revealtion poems of break ups
There something about the feeling seconds before
of the knots in your stomach, and your eyes on the floor
you open you mouth to speak ,but only a sigh comes out
she's already guess what this could be about.
where we can laugh at whats just been said
with no hard feelings or sad thoughts in our head
but its time i should go, we need to move on
but i'll always think of you when i hear our song
of the knots in your stomach, and your eyes on the floor
you open you mouth to speak ,but only a sigh comes out
she's already guess what this could be about.
You begin with the words that you've heard before
I just don't think we can be together anymore
Our times run out, the conversations died
we've had a good run and lord knows we've tried
but the time has come to part our ways
maybe i'll see you again in better days
where we can laugh at whats just been said
with no hard feelings or sad thoughts in our head
but its time i should go, we need to move on
but i'll always think of you when i hear our song
Saturday, 31 July 2010
Friendship
It weird everone including me i think, have said that they have lost friendships during college and maybe i have but i generally don't notice,
I think the toughest part about losinga friend must be the fact that they knew you, and like you for it they knew your fears, they knew you secerts and everything. I think it would be hard to lose something like that, Its why i think me and dan are the way we are now, we know and been with each other to long to really just drop and leave everything.
I don't think i've lost a friendship its more, i just feel the time is right to move on, you know intrest change, sense of humour change, stuff like that, an the friendship is there just forgotton in the past, it can be reignighted again like a candle but its not forever. I think its good to think about it like that. It means you still got a friend but for now you can move away branch out and maybe find new people to spend a few years of there life with. I'm think this maybe one of the man reasons why i enjoy this college life so much, changes and new chance happen constantly.
Just got to go for it. New chances are going to come. and hopefully friendships wil remain maybe not a there once peak but still strong enough to say hi and have a converstation. I'm looking forward to college next year :)
xx
I think the toughest part about losinga friend must be the fact that they knew you, and like you for it they knew your fears, they knew you secerts and everything. I think it would be hard to lose something like that, Its why i think me and dan are the way we are now, we know and been with each other to long to really just drop and leave everything.
I don't think i've lost a friendship its more, i just feel the time is right to move on, you know intrest change, sense of humour change, stuff like that, an the friendship is there just forgotton in the past, it can be reignighted again like a candle but its not forever. I think its good to think about it like that. It means you still got a friend but for now you can move away branch out and maybe find new people to spend a few years of there life with. I'm think this maybe one of the man reasons why i enjoy this college life so much, changes and new chance happen constantly.
Just got to go for it. New chances are going to come. and hopefully friendships wil remain maybe not a there once peak but still strong enough to say hi and have a converstation. I'm looking forward to college next year :)
xx
Friday, 30 July 2010
Times they are a changin
A smart man once said that, I think he ment we should always be prepared for change cause we don't no when in may happen, it maybe sudden like a lose of a loved one or a pet or long like the changing of policy in goverment.
I always thought I was good with change, I adapt quickly and get use to things quickly or make it 'homely' so i could get used to it. And i still think i am good a change. It noticing the change i struggle with, obivous things like moving college or house are easy to notice, but its the smalls ones the ones that grow slowly like when your growing you don't see it in a mirror but when you compare it to your mum or your old height against a door you've changed and got tall.
Its these changes that are hard to spot, however hopefully i shall be able to adapt quickly and to make the change work. If not meh, i tried right :)
I always thought I was good with change, I adapt quickly and get use to things quickly or make it 'homely' so i could get used to it. And i still think i am good a change. It noticing the change i struggle with, obivous things like moving college or house are easy to notice, but its the smalls ones the ones that grow slowly like when your growing you don't see it in a mirror but when you compare it to your mum or your old height against a door you've changed and got tall.
Its these changes that are hard to spot, however hopefully i shall be able to adapt quickly and to make the change work. If not meh, i tried right :)
Thursday, 15 July 2010
Monday, 5 July 2010
Well as I sit hugging my pillow and a cold water bottle to my chest to keep cool, listening to a bit of the classic (Led Zepplin - Stairway to Heaven) I 'm just beginto pounder of in to my mind
I wondering if I've made the best of this year, I mean I've kept,lost and made friends throughout, Friendships have strengthen and love(yes actually Love.... or what i think love feels like) I still think there is something missing, I want some icing on the cake. weather it be to start raising money to go on a gap year to help people or just doing something that is a personal challege. This year I feel as though I have stayed in my comfort zone. I've done nothing to challege myself.
I'm wondering what and why I'm really doing things now, Am I staying in education because I feel pressured by friends or is it that i feel i need to have a good life. Or is it cause I just don't no what I want to do yet. I'm taking shit from people that are general annoying me but I don't no why, I care for everyone opions but if yours are going to be harsh then please just shut the fuck up and let me enjoy my life, not bring me down to your views of the whats rights or wrong. Yer even something as simple as clothing ... cough cough...
I'm thinking what I should do about summer. I mean I got days to kill and nothing to kill it with. I think I want a job and although I do have one, I think I want one throughout the day as I think this will keep me occupied plus the more money I get now the more I can save and spend on friends and family but yer
Lots of little thought, Building up into one big Blurrhhhhh in my mind. Pssh
I guess just take life a step at a time
'If you stare into the abyss long enough, the abyss starts to stare back at you' Mark Twain
I wondering if I've made the best of this year, I mean I've kept,lost and made friends throughout, Friendships have strengthen and love(yes actually Love.... or what i think love feels like) I still think there is something missing, I want some icing on the cake. weather it be to start raising money to go on a gap year to help people or just doing something that is a personal challege. This year I feel as though I have stayed in my comfort zone. I've done nothing to challege myself.
I'm wondering what and why I'm really doing things now, Am I staying in education because I feel pressured by friends or is it that i feel i need to have a good life. Or is it cause I just don't no what I want to do yet. I'm taking shit from people that are general annoying me but I don't no why, I care for everyone opions but if yours are going to be harsh then please just shut the fuck up and let me enjoy my life, not bring me down to your views of the whats rights or wrong. Yer even something as simple as clothing ... cough cough...
I'm thinking what I should do about summer. I mean I got days to kill and nothing to kill it with. I think I want a job and although I do have one, I think I want one throughout the day as I think this will keep me occupied plus the more money I get now the more I can save and spend on friends and family but yer
Lots of little thought, Building up into one big Blurrhhhhh in my mind. Pssh
I guess just take life a step at a time
'If you stare into the abyss long enough, the abyss starts to stare back at you' Mark Twain
Tuesday, 29 June 2010
Right well i don't no really where to start
I guess its that over the last few days i've been looking at my life after my mum nicely came in and basically said stop wasting your life on your friends as they won't be there for you as you are for them.
And i guess thats basically what i've been thinking about, who would catch me who wouldn't, who do i want to catch me and who do i not. stuff like that. I love my friends but from what i feel its not being returned in the amount that i'd like. Plus I never knew how sinicle and bitchy evryone is, I kinda been half quiet recently and this step back has shown loads. I guess i've just been oblivous to this. I'm not going to say that i don't bitch but yer. Just didn't no we did it that much.
We this we'll probably come back to haunt me so i'm going to leave it there.
I guess its that over the last few days i've been looking at my life after my mum nicely came in and basically said stop wasting your life on your friends as they won't be there for you as you are for them.
And i guess thats basically what i've been thinking about, who would catch me who wouldn't, who do i want to catch me and who do i not. stuff like that. I love my friends but from what i feel its not being returned in the amount that i'd like. Plus I never knew how sinicle and bitchy evryone is, I kinda been half quiet recently and this step back has shown loads. I guess i've just been oblivous to this. I'm not going to say that i don't bitch but yer. Just didn't no we did it that much.
We this we'll probably come back to haunt me so i'm going to leave it there.
Sunday, 6 June 2010
Dependance
Everyone has something that there dependent on. I think mines socail life or friends in general. I can't seem to go more than a day with seeing if people want to meet up or just go out of the house in general. Most people can spend days without seeing people, but I just can't don't no why. I think stuff is always more fun together even if it is the stuff I would do alone. Its werid
Anyway this what I think... So yer if you keep getting a Blitz of texts say if your free. Its cause I want to relax an thats the easest way to do it for me. TV is just a means of passing time. It does nothing for me. Xbox frustrates me. so yer ....
Anyway this what I think... So yer if you keep getting a Blitz of texts say if your free. Its cause I want to relax an thats the easest way to do it for me. TV is just a means of passing time. It does nothing for me. Xbox frustrates me. so yer ....
Monday, 31 May 2010
Paranoia
Wow haven't been on here in a while. I normal just read everyone else posts but for once i have something to say.
Today, I am beginning to believe I have paranoia, I always thought this secertly in the back of my mind. Like a little itch that I just choose to ignore. Its not like I'm in constant fear although walking at night I do turn my head a few to many times, but I'm going to ignore that one.
I think i've got the anxiety kinda paranioa, I seem to say to myself that everything in my life is a lie that you cna never trust anyone because you can never tell if they really like you. I feel like in every friendship, i make up situations where my so called friends are going out behind my back, not inviting me, secertly bitching about me behind my back. In every relationship I feel i can't comment myself to them because I don't trust them, I don't believe they love or ever will love. They are just to nice or good to say no or leave me. I mean if my grilfriend doesn't text back after we have been texting for a while, i begin to belive that she hates me or i cheating on me. I mean jesus christ she may of just forgot to text back like i do or something as stupid as that. But I have to pick the worst situation and believe it.
I don't like this, i want to be the one who falls head over heels in love or can trust anyone but i'm not, i fall in love in little bits. I know i love people but then it stops and starts again.
I'm not sure if this is normal.?
Any Ideas?
Today, I am beginning to believe I have paranoia, I always thought this secertly in the back of my mind. Like a little itch that I just choose to ignore. Its not like I'm in constant fear although walking at night I do turn my head a few to many times, but I'm going to ignore that one.
I think i've got the anxiety kinda paranioa, I seem to say to myself that everything in my life is a lie that you cna never trust anyone because you can never tell if they really like you. I feel like in every friendship, i make up situations where my so called friends are going out behind my back, not inviting me, secertly bitching about me behind my back. In every relationship I feel i can't comment myself to them because I don't trust them, I don't believe they love or ever will love. They are just to nice or good to say no or leave me. I mean if my grilfriend doesn't text back after we have been texting for a while, i begin to belive that she hates me or i cheating on me. I mean jesus christ she may of just forgot to text back like i do or something as stupid as that. But I have to pick the worst situation and believe it.
I don't like this, i want to be the one who falls head over heels in love or can trust anyone but i'm not, i fall in love in little bits. I know i love people but then it stops and starts again.
I'm not sure if this is normal.?
Any Ideas?
Monday, 15 February 2010
Valentines day
Well valentines day was as bad as i thought it would be, though i'm sure when i here stories of what people did i'm sure i will feel sad and lonely. Ah well Lets keep the head up high boys and girls, tomorrow is another day.
Thursday, 11 February 2010
The year so far
So I'm sitting here after i have pissed of yet another person, and i'm thinking to myself.
Wow these last month have been truely shit, i mean there were good points but there are so many down points, i mean i have/are being judged on every move i make by everyone who knows me. I can't even talk to any about it because some how no matter who i tell everyone else seems to know, its ridiculous, the thing is I am quite trusting and i like talking over my problems with people. But i don't want everyone else to know my issues or problems cause sometimes it may be something to do with them. So if i do tell you something shut the fuck up about it and keep it quiet about, please cause from now on all problems shall be held within my head see if that makes a differents.
but yer basically i've pissed of nearly every person i know at the moment so I'm doing well, gah i hate life at the moment. I don't even want to go into college tomorrow, I don't think anyone will care tbh. they would probably be happier that i've gone.
Fuck me i hope half term brings some relief and maybe a little less hate into my life :/
Wow these last month have been truely shit, i mean there were good points but there are so many down points, i mean i have/are being judged on every move i make by everyone who knows me. I can't even talk to any about it because some how no matter who i tell everyone else seems to know, its ridiculous, the thing is I am quite trusting and i like talking over my problems with people. But i don't want everyone else to know my issues or problems cause sometimes it may be something to do with them. So if i do tell you something shut the fuck up about it and keep it quiet about, please cause from now on all problems shall be held within my head see if that makes a differents.
but yer basically i've pissed of nearly every person i know at the moment so I'm doing well, gah i hate life at the moment. I don't even want to go into college tomorrow, I don't think anyone will care tbh. they would probably be happier that i've gone.
Fuck me i hope half term brings some relief and maybe a little less hate into my life :/
Thursday, 21 January 2010
Songs
I wrote this song a while ago, i think you can guess the meaning
There are two boys
And there is one girl
They love her
She rocks there worlds
But one will win
And the other will lose.
It just depend on who she chose.
I've walked this road a thousand times.
The voice in my head speaks in rhymes
And I don't no which way I'll go
Cause my heart scream yes
But my mind says no
Chorus
And I'm sorry that i hurt you
Sorry that i caused you pain
Sorry that you upset
I know things won't be the same.
And I talk to you, you say that you are fine
That i should have her, make her mine.
But i can see the hurt in your eyes
And i can see its just a disguise
Chorus
There is one boy
and there is one girl
they love each other
They are there worlds
but a boy is all upset
and it is crying shame
cause i'm the culpurt
I'm to blame
yer i think you no what that one is about.
There are two boys
And there is one girl
They love her
She rocks there worlds
But one will win
And the other will lose.
It just depend on who she chose.
I've walked this road a thousand times.
The voice in my head speaks in rhymes
And I don't no which way I'll go
Cause my heart scream yes
But my mind says no
Chorus
And I'm sorry that i hurt you
Sorry that i caused you pain
Sorry that you upset
I know things won't be the same.
And I talk to you, you say that you are fine
That i should have her, make her mine.
But i can see the hurt in your eyes
And i can see its just a disguise
Chorus
There is one boy
and there is one girl
they love each other
They are there worlds
but a boy is all upset
and it is crying shame
cause i'm the culpurt
I'm to blame
yer i think you no what that one is about.
Tuesday, 15 December 2009
Sunday, 27 September 2009
Nice guys
This is a warning to all 'Nice Guys'
We don't win, We are the friend, we are the ones who everyone comes to for advice but when it comes to you no one cares.
I'm sick and tired of jerks and dicks having all the fun. These people don't care about other people yet they seem to have more fun. I hear all these stories of people getting laid or having a fucking awesome night. And why because they were being dicks. They got the girl by stealing her of the Nice guys arm.
The worst thing is though is you see all these fucking movies saying the nice guys win in the end. But so far the end isn't in sight. I would to be the jerk for once i want the start and the finish to be in clear sight. Not like a fucking treasure hut. It's a joke.
The thing is i may not be the nicest nice guy but i personal feel i'm one of them. Which sucks even more cause that mean i can't change. I just am the nice guy. I get walked over insulted consently or hit contiously and i be like 'I'm sorry' then i think WHY THE FUCK AM I SORRY. Maybe i sorry for you, maybe i just sorry for being in the fucking way or being in the same fucking room with you. I don't no
But head my warning Nice Guys don't win. We may win in the End, but i think i should warn you, the end is a fucking long way of. so if you want to get a girl or get laid or just have a fucking crazy night. Go for it. Be a jerk or a dick. If your nice to the girl you want to get your friends. If you want to get laid you can't. If you want to have a fucking crazy night you'll have to be the sober one picking people up.
Life fucking Sucks Get used to It
Don't wait for shit take it.
I'm not going to take my own adive.
I can't, i hate feeling like i hurt some one or let them down.
But seriously for once.
Let the Nice guy finish fucking first
We don't win, We are the friend, we are the ones who everyone comes to for advice but when it comes to you no one cares.
I'm sick and tired of jerks and dicks having all the fun. These people don't care about other people yet they seem to have more fun. I hear all these stories of people getting laid or having a fucking awesome night. And why because they were being dicks. They got the girl by stealing her of the Nice guys arm.
The worst thing is though is you see all these fucking movies saying the nice guys win in the end. But so far the end isn't in sight. I would to be the jerk for once i want the start and the finish to be in clear sight. Not like a fucking treasure hut. It's a joke.
The thing is i may not be the nicest nice guy but i personal feel i'm one of them. Which sucks even more cause that mean i can't change. I just am the nice guy. I get walked over insulted consently or hit contiously and i be like 'I'm sorry' then i think WHY THE FUCK AM I SORRY. Maybe i sorry for you, maybe i just sorry for being in the fucking way or being in the same fucking room with you. I don't no
But head my warning Nice Guys don't win. We may win in the End, but i think i should warn you, the end is a fucking long way of. so if you want to get a girl or get laid or just have a fucking crazy night. Go for it. Be a jerk or a dick. If your nice to the girl you want to get your friends. If you want to get laid you can't. If you want to have a fucking crazy night you'll have to be the sober one picking people up.
Life fucking Sucks Get used to It
Don't wait for shit take it.
I'm not going to take my own adive.
I can't, i hate feeling like i hurt some one or let them down.
But seriously for once.
Let the Nice guy finish fucking first
Monday, 20 July 2009
I Could Kill
You know in the army advert for where it says that it is a state of mind.
I feel that i have that state of mind (YAY ME) but i think somewhere i've gone past the stage of healthy. when i'm angry i think that i could cause alot of damage. I feel that if i attack someone i would just keep going. I feel that i wouldn't be able to stop unless someone pulled me off.
The thing is that what i think is that if i kill which i feel i can. I'm not sure how i would react. I'm not sure if the anger that is in me would die away. Or if it would feed on the death and want more. I may just be talking shit. But this is what i am scared of. I am going in the army. I Know i am. I just don't no how dangerous it would be. To everyone.
Help please.
this angry shouldn't be here.
I need to get it out.
I don't no how
help please
I feel that i have that state of mind (YAY ME) but i think somewhere i've gone past the stage of healthy. when i'm angry i think that i could cause alot of damage. I feel that if i attack someone i would just keep going. I feel that i wouldn't be able to stop unless someone pulled me off.
The thing is that what i think is that if i kill which i feel i can. I'm not sure how i would react. I'm not sure if the anger that is in me would die away. Or if it would feed on the death and want more. I may just be talking shit. But this is what i am scared of. I am going in the army. I Know i am. I just don't no how dangerous it would be. To everyone.
Help please.
this angry shouldn't be here.
I need to get it out.
I don't no how
help please
Sick and Tired
I am sick and tired of people expecting me to go and call on them.
Why is it all ways me?
Is it cause everyone thinks that i need to see people or friends, well your wrong it's cause i want to see, There is a difference. So if i was you i would feel privaleged to be called on. It means i want to see you and be with you. Like friends should do.
But as i was sitting in a park on the bench watching the birds like a sometimes do. I struck me that no one every returns the favor. No every comes not on me or any people for that matter unless i'm out first.
No i first thought that it was sad that you guys need me to press your doorbell and escort you out the house. I'm not your owner, i shouldn't have to hold you by the hand and drag you out the door to go for a walk. I think it is sad
Then i realized that maybe you just take me for advantage. The fact that your all like, o reilable phil will come and call on me and then i won't be bored. Well guess what FUCK YOU.
I am not doing it anymore. I will no longer go round and call on you, and take you for a walk like a stupid dog. If you want to go for a walk. Then Go!!! Learn house to step outside the house with an arm for you to hold.
But this doesn't mean i won't come out, if you want to see me just come and call on me. Return the favor. After that i don't mind if you want to go call on people. I will call on them willingly. After a while i will start to call on you again. but i won't all the time. I would hope that you will sometimes call on me
For those of you who think that i won't be able to do that. I need to see people. Fuck you again
I can mange by myself. I will be going on walks, bike rides. by myself. I will enjoy my own company. it will be fine
and if you can't be asked to call on me. Well thank you, you are great people (sarcastic)
Actaully the really thing that i'm going to say is okay i hope you enjoy your very lonely life and while your social skills decrease. I will still be waiting for a simple ring on my doorbell.
Please don't take me calling on you for granted.
Hope to see you by My door soon
your sick and tired friend
phil
Why is it all ways me?
Is it cause everyone thinks that i need to see people or friends, well your wrong it's cause i want to see, There is a difference. So if i was you i would feel privaleged to be called on. It means i want to see you and be with you. Like friends should do.
But as i was sitting in a park on the bench watching the birds like a sometimes do. I struck me that no one every returns the favor. No every comes not on me or any people for that matter unless i'm out first.
No i first thought that it was sad that you guys need me to press your doorbell and escort you out the house. I'm not your owner, i shouldn't have to hold you by the hand and drag you out the door to go for a walk. I think it is sad
Then i realized that maybe you just take me for advantage. The fact that your all like, o reilable phil will come and call on me and then i won't be bored. Well guess what FUCK YOU.
I am not doing it anymore. I will no longer go round and call on you, and take you for a walk like a stupid dog. If you want to go for a walk. Then Go!!! Learn house to step outside the house with an arm for you to hold.
But this doesn't mean i won't come out, if you want to see me just come and call on me. Return the favor. After that i don't mind if you want to go call on people. I will call on them willingly. After a while i will start to call on you again. but i won't all the time. I would hope that you will sometimes call on me
For those of you who think that i won't be able to do that. I need to see people. Fuck you again
I can mange by myself. I will be going on walks, bike rides. by myself. I will enjoy my own company. it will be fine
and if you can't be asked to call on me. Well thank you, you are great people (sarcastic)
Actaully the really thing that i'm going to say is okay i hope you enjoy your very lonely life and while your social skills decrease. I will still be waiting for a simple ring on my doorbell.
Please don't take me calling on you for granted.
Hope to see you by My door soon
your sick and tired friend
phil
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