Details in the fabric - jason mraz ft james morrison
Is just feeling so right right now

I know its childish but seeing you happy annoys me

Well as I sit hugging my pillow and a cold water bottle to my chest to keep cool, listening to a bit of the classic (Led Zepplin - Stairway to Heaven) I 'm just beginto pounder of in to my mind

I wondering if I've made the best of this year, I mean I've kept,lost and made friends throughout, Friendships have strengthen and love(yes actually Love.... or what i think love feels like) I still think there is something missing, I want some icing on the cake. weather it be to start raising money to go on a gap year to help people or just doing something that is a personal challege. This year I feel as though I have stayed in my comfort zone. I've done nothing to challege myself.

I'm wondering what and why I'm really doing things now, Am I staying in education because I feel pressured by friends or is it that i feel i need to have a good life. Or is it cause I just don't no what I want to do yet. I'm taking shit from people that are general annoying me but I don't no why, I care for everyone opions but if yours are going to be harsh then please just shut the fuck up and let me enjoy my life, not bring me down to your views of the whats rights or wrong. Yer even something as simple as clothing ... cough cough...

I'm thinking what I should do about summer. I mean I got days to kill and nothing to kill it with. I think I want a job and although I do have one, I think I want one throughout the day as I think this will keep me occupied plus the more money I get now the more I can save and spend on friends and family but yer

Lots of little thought, Building up into one big Blurrhhhhh in my mind. Pssh
I guess just take life a step at a time

'If you stare into the abyss long enough, the abyss starts to stare back at you' Mark Twain

Right well i don't no really where to start

I guess its that over the last few days i've been looking at my life after my mum nicely came in and basically said stop wasting your life on your friends as they won't be there for you as you are for them.

And i guess thats basically what i've been thinking about, who would catch me who wouldn't, who do i want to catch me and who do i not. stuff like that. I love my friends but from what i feel its not being returned in the amount that i'd like. Plus I never knew how sinicle and bitchy evryone is, I kinda been half quiet recently and this step back has shown loads. I guess i've just been oblivous to this. I'm not going to say that i don't bitch but yer. Just didn't no we did it that much.

We this we'll probably come back to haunt me so i'm going to leave it there.

Dependance

Everyone has something that there dependent on. I think mines socail life or friends in general. I can't seem to go more than a day with seeing if people want to meet up or just go out of the house in general. Most people can spend days without seeing people, but I just can't don't no why. I think stuff is always more fun together even if it is the stuff I would do alone. Its werid

Anyway this what I think... So yer if you keep getting a Blitz of texts say if your free. Its cause I want to relax an thats the easest way to do it for me. TV is just a means of passing time. It does nothing for me. Xbox frustrates me. so yer ....

Paranoia

Wow haven't been on here in a while. I normal just read everyone else posts but for once i have something to say.

Today, I am beginning to believe I have paranoia, I always thought this secertly in the back of my mind. Like a little itch that I just choose to ignore. Its not like I'm in constant fear although walking at night I do turn my head a few to many times, but I'm going to ignore that one.

I think i've got the anxiety kinda paranioa, I seem to say to myself that everything in my life is a lie that you cna never trust anyone because you can never tell if they really like you. I feel like in every friendship, i make up situations where my so called friends are going out behind my back, not inviting me, secertly bitching about me behind my back. In every relationship I feel i can't comment myself to them because I don't trust them, I don't believe they love or ever will love. They are just to nice or good to say no or leave me. I mean if my grilfriend doesn't text back after we have been texting for a while, i begin to belive that she hates me or i cheating on me. I mean jesus christ she may of just forgot to text back like i do or something as stupid as that. But I have to pick the worst situation and believe it.

I don't like this, i want to be the one who falls head over heels in love or can trust anyone but i'm not, i fall in love in little bits. I know i love people but then it stops and starts again.

I'm not sure if this is normal.?
Any Ideas?

Valentines day

Well valentines day was as bad as i thought it would be, though i'm sure when i here stories of what people did i'm sure i will feel sad and lonely. Ah well Lets keep the head up high boys and girls, tomorrow is another day.