Did I

Did i get lost while I was gone? I've travelled space away for far to long.
-> yellowcard - space travel

However i think this basically sums me up at the moment. If we see love s space ( you know knocks you off your feet, has no laws limits or boundarys) well basically i think i've been in to many relationships. I seem to hope from one to the other, never taking time to learn how to live life away and alone of other people. I need to get used to the fact that when i want a hug sometimes my bear will be my only option. I basically need to get used to living life on my own cause even when i'm out of relationships i rely to much on seeing friends for me to say that i am ever truly alone. Its weird
I guess i just need to grow up and become more independant ...
Time to learn how

I'm feeling lonely, everyone moving on with there lives, getting ready for uni, preparing themselfs for life and i;m just sitting here watching it all go by. I want to put the brakes on life, to say let me have a couple more years of being a child. Instead i'm slowing down and everyone staying the same. I feel like i'm being life behind just cause i don't want to go to uni.

Plus i know it sounds mental, and even though we've broken up for a while, i think today when i woke up i just felt more alone, i mean even though we are apart, i think a part of us still liked each other, I mean we didn't break up cause we didn't like each other, it just wasn't working. but today, today i felt the love just kinda go. Its hard to explain but image your on a train, its really crowded and people are leaning in against you. These are the people that love you, like friendship love and family love and even love love . Well i feel like one of these people has moved away leaving a part of my body cold and wanting to be loved again just to feel the warm feeling i had.

I don't no,
pshh

....

Well i just can't hear the music anymore
its not this pleasant summer song
it more this quite serendipity
that i hear after you are gone
and it scares me when you say
that you still hear the music play
be cause i can't cope
with this one note summer song
that i feels been playing a little to long

late night revealtion poems of break ups

There something about the feeling seconds before
of the knots in your stomach, and your eyes on the floor
you open you mouth to speak ,but only a sigh comes out
she's already guess what this could be about.

You begin with the words that you've heard before

I just don't think we can be together anymore

Our times run out, the conversations died

we've had a good run and lord knows we've tried

but the time has come to part our ways

maybe i'll see you again in better days

where we can laugh at whats just been said
with no hard feelings or sad thoughts in our head
but its time i should go, we need to move on
but i'll always think of you when i hear our song

Friendship

It weird everone including me i think, have said that they have lost friendships during college and maybe i have but i generally don't notice,

I think the toughest part about losinga friend must be the fact that they knew you, and like you for it they knew your fears, they knew you secerts and everything. I think it would be hard to lose something like that, Its why i think me and dan are the way we are now, we know and been with each other to long to really just drop and leave everything.

I don't think i've lost a friendship its more, i just feel the time is right to move on, you know intrest change, sense of humour change, stuff like that, an the friendship is there just forgotton in the past, it can be reignighted again like a candle but its not forever. I think its good to think about it like that. It means you still got a friend but for now you can move away branch out and maybe find new people to spend a few years of there life with. I'm think this maybe one of the man reasons why i enjoy this college life so much, changes and new chance happen constantly.

Just got to go for it. New chances are going to come. and hopefully friendships wil remain maybe not a there once peak but still strong enough to say hi and have a converstation. I'm looking forward to college next year :)

xx

Times they are a changin

A smart man once said that, I think he ment we should always be prepared for change cause we don't no when in may happen, it maybe sudden like a lose of a loved one or a pet or long like the changing of policy in goverment.

I always thought I was good with change, I adapt quickly and get use to things quickly or make it 'homely' so i could get used to it. And i still think i am good a change. It noticing the change i struggle with, obivous things like moving college or house are easy to notice, but its the smalls ones the ones that grow slowly like when your growing you don't see it in a mirror but when you compare it to your mum or your old height against a door you've changed and got tall.

Its these changes that are hard to spot, however hopefully i shall be able to adapt quickly and to make the change work. If not meh, i tried right :)

Details in the fabric - jason mraz ft james morrison
Is just feeling so right right now

I know its childish but seeing you happy annoys me

Well as I sit hugging my pillow and a cold water bottle to my chest to keep cool, listening to a bit of the classic (Led Zepplin - Stairway to Heaven) I 'm just beginto pounder of in to my mind

I wondering if I've made the best of this year, I mean I've kept,lost and made friends throughout, Friendships have strengthen and love(yes actually Love.... or what i think love feels like) I still think there is something missing, I want some icing on the cake. weather it be to start raising money to go on a gap year to help people or just doing something that is a personal challege. This year I feel as though I have stayed in my comfort zone. I've done nothing to challege myself.

I'm wondering what and why I'm really doing things now, Am I staying in education because I feel pressured by friends or is it that i feel i need to have a good life. Or is it cause I just don't no what I want to do yet. I'm taking shit from people that are general annoying me but I don't no why, I care for everyone opions but if yours are going to be harsh then please just shut the fuck up and let me enjoy my life, not bring me down to your views of the whats rights or wrong. Yer even something as simple as clothing ... cough cough...

I'm thinking what I should do about summer. I mean I got days to kill and nothing to kill it with. I think I want a job and although I do have one, I think I want one throughout the day as I think this will keep me occupied plus the more money I get now the more I can save and spend on friends and family but yer

Lots of little thought, Building up into one big Blurrhhhhh in my mind. Pssh
I guess just take life a step at a time

'If you stare into the abyss long enough, the abyss starts to stare back at you' Mark Twain

Right well i don't no really where to start

I guess its that over the last few days i've been looking at my life after my mum nicely came in and basically said stop wasting your life on your friends as they won't be there for you as you are for them.

And i guess thats basically what i've been thinking about, who would catch me who wouldn't, who do i want to catch me and who do i not. stuff like that. I love my friends but from what i feel its not being returned in the amount that i'd like. Plus I never knew how sinicle and bitchy evryone is, I kinda been half quiet recently and this step back has shown loads. I guess i've just been oblivous to this. I'm not going to say that i don't bitch but yer. Just didn't no we did it that much.

We this we'll probably come back to haunt me so i'm going to leave it there.

Dependance

Everyone has something that there dependent on. I think mines socail life or friends in general. I can't seem to go more than a day with seeing if people want to meet up or just go out of the house in general. Most people can spend days without seeing people, but I just can't don't no why. I think stuff is always more fun together even if it is the stuff I would do alone. Its werid

Anyway this what I think... So yer if you keep getting a Blitz of texts say if your free. Its cause I want to relax an thats the easest way to do it for me. TV is just a means of passing time. It does nothing for me. Xbox frustrates me. so yer ....

Paranoia

Wow haven't been on here in a while. I normal just read everyone else posts but for once i have something to say.

Today, I am beginning to believe I have paranoia, I always thought this secertly in the back of my mind. Like a little itch that I just choose to ignore. Its not like I'm in constant fear although walking at night I do turn my head a few to many times, but I'm going to ignore that one.

I think i've got the anxiety kinda paranioa, I seem to say to myself that everything in my life is a lie that you cna never trust anyone because you can never tell if they really like you. I feel like in every friendship, i make up situations where my so called friends are going out behind my back, not inviting me, secertly bitching about me behind my back. In every relationship I feel i can't comment myself to them because I don't trust them, I don't believe they love or ever will love. They are just to nice or good to say no or leave me. I mean if my grilfriend doesn't text back after we have been texting for a while, i begin to belive that she hates me or i cheating on me. I mean jesus christ she may of just forgot to text back like i do or something as stupid as that. But I have to pick the worst situation and believe it.

I don't like this, i want to be the one who falls head over heels in love or can trust anyone but i'm not, i fall in love in little bits. I know i love people but then it stops and starts again.

I'm not sure if this is normal.?
Any Ideas?

Valentines day

Well valentines day was as bad as i thought it would be, though i'm sure when i here stories of what people did i'm sure i will feel sad and lonely. Ah well Lets keep the head up high boys and girls, tomorrow is another day.

Quote 1

kick at the darkness until it bleeds daylight

The year so far

So I'm sitting here after i have pissed of yet another person, and i'm thinking to myself.
Wow these last month have been truely shit, i mean there were good points but there are so many down points, i mean i have/are being judged on every move i make by everyone who knows me. I can't even talk to any about it because some how no matter who i tell everyone else seems to know, its ridiculous, the thing is I am quite trusting and i like talking over my problems with people. But i don't want everyone else to know my issues or problems cause sometimes it may be something to do with them. So if i do tell you something shut the fuck up about it and keep it quiet about, please cause from now on all problems shall be held within my head see if that makes a differents.

but yer basically i've pissed of nearly every person i know at the moment so I'm doing well, gah i hate life at the moment. I don't even want to go into college tomorrow, I don't think anyone will care tbh. they would probably be happier that i've gone.
Fuck me i hope half term brings some relief and maybe a little less hate into my life :/

Songs

I wrote this song a while ago, i think you can guess the meaning

There are two boys
And there is one girl
They love her
She rocks there worlds
But one will win
And the other will lose.
It just depend on who she chose.

I've walked this road a thousand times.
The voice in my head speaks in rhymes
And I don't no which way I'll go
Cause my heart scream yes
But my mind says no

Chorus
And I'm sorry that i hurt you
Sorry that i caused you pain
Sorry that you upset
I know things won't be the same.

And I talk to you, you say that you are fine
That i should have her, make her mine.
But i can see the hurt in your eyes
And i can see its just a disguise

Chorus

There is one boy
and there is one girl
they love each other
They are there worlds
but a boy is all upset
and it is crying shame
cause i'm the culpurt
I'm to blame


yer i think you no what that one is about.